For Parents

Achieving a balance between connection and independence can be a challenge for parents.  A common question for many parents is: How can I let my child know that I am thinking about them without suffocating them?

Your student may seek more independence during his or her first year at university, and they may feel that contacting home signals a lack of independence.  Don’t be afraid to initiate contact with your student, especially during the initial semester.  Then take some cues from your student about how they want to stay in contact.  Notice how often they return your calls and how they behave or sound when you speak with them.  Remember that your student is trying to adjust to a new environment and experience and this will occupy a lot of their time.  Try to let your student control the timing of the interactions so that they can maintain their sense of freedom. If you need to discuss something of importance, ask to schedule some uninterrupted time to talk.

Phone calls, mail, emails, gift packages, photos of home are all ways to help your student feel connected to his/her family and home.  Some parents provide their student with a pre-paid phone card that they can use anytime to stay in touch. You might even consider learning how to text message! 

When you do connect with your student, try to see it as an opportunity to deepen your relationship.  Avoid using it simply as an opening to grill your student. If you are wondering about their academic, social or emotional well-being, try to use open-ended questions.  For example, rather than asking them if they’re doing well on their exams, ask your student about what they’re learning in their classes.

In making the transition to an independent young adult, your child will need to learn to:

• choose how to spend her time;
• make his/her own mistakes;
• decide how to confront challenges;
• communicate with others when there’s a problem;
• take responsibility for his/her actions;
• struggle a bit;
• learn from experience.

It can be hard to see your child struggling. But rather than stepping in to fix the problem for your student, you can coach them to manage challenging situations themselves.  If they have a concern, discuss it with them.  If they need more support, you can point them towards the appropriate campus resources.  You can learn more about these resources by visiting SFU’s Parent Website at: http://www.sfu.ca/studentlife/parents/

Listen to your student, rather than imposing your thoughts and opinion right away.  You will often find that your student already knows the solution to their problem; by listening, you can help them resolve the situation on their own.  Giving them ownership of their decisions will help them learn critical problem solving and conflict resolution skills, and will boost their confidence and competence as they grow into a young adult.

Tips for listening:

• Use active listening skills (e.g., listening, reflecting, summarizing, paraphrasing). 
• Ask open-ended questions that require answers beyond ‘yes’ and ‘no’ . 
• Ask your student what he’s already tried and examine what worked and what didn’t work.
• Let your student know that you believe in her and her ability to resolve the situation.
• Keep an open mind.  Try not to judge your student’s way of handling the situation.  It may be different from yours but allow them to take ownership of the situation.

If you are concerned about your son/daughter, you can contact HCS Counselling Services at 778-782-4615 to consult with a counsellor.  The counsellor can provide guidance in how to approach your student with your concerns and can help connect your student with supports on and off campus.

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” moods
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss, or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain

1) How intense is the response?  People with anxiety have a strong fear that seems to be above and beyond what one would expect to be reasonable.  The person with anxiety might even realize themselves that their response is more intense than expected. 

2) How enduring is the response?  People with anxiety tend to have the same response over and over again when presented with the same set of circumstances.  Things don’t seem to improve with additional exposure to the stressful situation.

3) How much does the anxious response interfere with every day functioning?  It is common for people to avoid situations that provoke their anxiety.  When avoidance behaviors starts interfering with school work, relationships, eating/sleeping, among others, there is cause for concern. 

There are different types of anxiety:

• generalized anxiety disorder
• panic disorder
• post-traumatic stress disorder
• social phobia
• obsessive-compulsive disorder
• agoraphobia
• specific phobias
• To learn more about each type and the common symptoms associated with each, please visit the AnxietyBC website: www.anxietybc.ca

Be familiar with anxiety and depression symptoms.  Ask your student specifically about how things are going on a daily basis.  Are they eating, sleeping, getting to classes, making friends, exercising?  If you suspect that your student might be experiencing depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to raise it as a concern.  Discuss with them how they might get an evaluation to assess if they have anxiety or depression.  SFU students can visit a doctor or counsellor at SFU Health and Counselling Services (HCS) for more information.  Online screenings for depression, anxiety, PTS, eating disorders and alcohol abuse are also available on the HCS website here.

At the same time, it is important to recognise that your student is responsible for taking charge of their health and managing their condition.  You can support them and help them find resources but you need to leave it up to them to decide how they want to manage it.   Before moving into problem-solving and advice giving, it is important to first make an emotional connect with your student.  To make and maintain the connection:

• Be patient. Resist the temptation to move too quickly, in spite of the desire to help your student.
• Be available.  Let your student know that you want to support them.  Be clear about how he reach you, when is the best time to reach you.  If possible, go visit him on campus or invite him home for a visit.
• Be consistent.  If you do make a commitment to help your student, then follow through with that.
• Be emotionally tuned in.  Stay with the emotion your student is expressing and reflect back (e.g., I can see it’s very overwhelming for you).

Once an emotional connection has been made, parents can move forward in helping their student to plan for assessment and treatment. Try to follow at your student’s pace.  Ask your student if they’re ready to move forward and look for some help.  If your student is ready, take it slow and don’t overwhelm them with options.  For example, if you know of four resources on campus that would be helpful, start by introducing one and then proceed from there.  Make sure you celebrate the small steps.  Avoid giving messages of discouragement if your student is not moving forward as quickly as you hope.  And finally, make sure you have the support and resources for yourself. 

The above information has been adapted from the following sources:
*National Institute of Mental Health, www.nimh.nih.gov; Healthy Minds, www.healthyminds.org/collegestats.cfm
*University of Minnesota Mental Health and the College Student Online Workshop Video: Strategies for On-campus Support  http://www.parent.umn.edu/mental_health/video17.php